(excerpt from, “Just Write: Conversations with my SELF”, a Maria Van Delft project)
DAY TWENTY-THREE
“I feel the heaviness of trauma and resistance today. It feels awful and super present,” I say with effort.
“Are you open to telling me what you’re noticing?” she inquires.
“I’m noticing apathy, emotion behind my eyes, laziness, thick forehead, a lack of motivation, clenched jaw, criticism and judgment about myself and others, anger towards others, tiredness, a desire to run away or be rescued,” I exclaim.
“Sounds like you’re carrying a lot around with you today. It feels like you’re all caged up.” Her voice is full of compassion and understanding.
“YES!! That’s exactly how I feel. I feel bound in old stories and desire to lash out at those people who hurt and abused me. I feel like I’m pinned in and something doesn't want me to move or shine. I’m feeling held down.” I respond in anguish.
“What do you think is holding you down?” Her curiosity comforts me.
“I’ve been doing work to hold space for my inner child and my ego, and I’ve noticed that when I hold space for “others” thinking that this is a good and healthy thing to do, I then feel exhausted and a lack of support for myself. I feel spent and left to fend for myself. Does that make sense?” I say with eyes down cast and tears welling up, yet don’t break through.
“Yes, yes it does. I can imagine that living big and full can feel like a balloon that’s blown up big and then the air is let out. And now that balloon is all sloppy and deflated. What do you think you need at this moment?” Her attention to me at this moment feels so warm, like a cozy blanket and I’m afraid to respond, but tell her anyway.
“I need to know that this is all part of the process and that I don’t have to lose myself, like I did in the past, in order to hold space for those who need advocacy. I'm seeing now that I have a voice too and a safe place where I can share freely and not be judged or misunderstood. That I matter as much as my ego and my inner child; in fact, the SELF is grounded in the spiritual creative realm and this is where I belong. THIS IS WHERE I BELONG – RIGHT HERE WITH YOU – TAPPING INTO THE DIVINE!” I say with wild abandon.
“Yes, you are welcome and wanted and there is always room and space for you here. Stretch, reach out and up, the cage is an illusion, a reality that is not true. You are free. Go forth and be free!” A smile spread widely across her face.
“Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you.”
I am seen and known. Amen!!!
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