Despair and commiseration were my playmates, or rather, my frenemies for most of my life. They were there whenever I felt insecure, afraid or alone.
I realize that despair and commiseration were born out of my childhood trauma, and they believed it was their job to keep me safe from ever getting hurt so deeply again.
What I didn’t know was that they were actually breaking my heart over and over again.
Despair came from that place of deep sorrow and pain that over the years I had to suppress and push down because the emotions often looked like white hot lava flowing and burning its way out of me – too hot to handle.
Whereas commiseration came from the injustice experienced which turned into bitterness, resentment, and blame. The more I pushed it all down the more explosive the volcanic activity.
It felt dangerous and powerful, yet there was a lack of agency and efficacy. This was an unhealthy combination because at the root of it was pain and shame.
When I was hurt, neglected or abandoned I leaned into despair (hopelessness full of sorrow and pain) and commiseration (ruminating on my pain) and then pulled people into the drama of the volcanic activity in order to validate my invalidity.
Recently I’ve come to realize that I don’t want to play or interact with these frenemies anymore. They keep me in the past and enjoy pulling people in; so that I don’t have to be alone in the lava I create.
The solution: accountability, forgiveness and amendment.
I needed to own my activity in the hurt I was causing others, to those I hurt directly and indirectly. I needed to ask them for forgiveness and to cut the ties to despair and commiseration. I no longer need them.
My validity is not based on what happened to me in the past, and I can now put my volcano to rest.
There is a freedom that comes from mending the heart through repairing relationships and letting go of what no longer serves you.
There is a newness of life and love that presents itself, unabashedly unleashed and wanting to move forward with wild passionate abandon.
There is life that grows on the lava – fields of beautiful lupines.
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