It’s such a simple little word — “but”, and yet it can get us into so much trouble. It’s interesting that a word so small can often leave us feeling disconnected from ourselves. For instance, “I really want to go, but I don’t know what to wear.” “I want to join a gym, but they’re so expensive.” “I want to end this relationship because it feels toxic, but I don’t want to cause anyone pain.”
What’s fascinating about the use of “but” in all these statements is that the first thing a person says is generally how they’re feeling and yet, that doesn’t feel valid enough, so a second counter statement needs to be made to keep the peace. The “but” becomes a way to justify why one’s feelings or thoughts are not valid and then convince ourselves and others with the second weightier statement. And it helps us get out of sticky situations.
We use language to validate or invalidate our thoughts and feelings all the time and this one little word is often used to get us out of situations we don’t want to be in, and rather than telling the truth and being honest, we use it as the disclaimer. It’s a great tool to get us out of having to say “no”, and yet, it leaves us feeling disempowered and frustrated.
Why is it that we have such a hard time saying “no”? Why are we so afraid of what others will think of us? The answer to these questions is complicated and often tied to our childhood wounds and trauma. We become people pleasers to keep the peace and to avoid conflict. This way of life helped us get through the tough and uncertain younger years. It helped us to get our needs and wants filled, even if it came at a cost.
There comes a point in our life where we start to see this way of life as limiting and frustrating. And this is where we can start to pay attention to our language and how we are choosing to use it.
What I've noticed is that when we change “but” to “and” or “and yet”, we land up holding space for two possible options — both being valid.
Here’s an example: “I really want to go, but I don’t know what to wear.” Now let’s change “but” to “and yet”. “I really want to go, and yet, I don’t know what to wear.” The first “but” statement is dismissive of how the person is actually feeling and the person is more than likely going to fixate on their appearance and may even land up not going because the anxiety and fear becomes too great to bear. They want to go to the party, so there’s excitement present, and on the other hand, they are afraid of being judged.
When we take the time to slow down and listen to ourselves and what our bodies and minds are really saying, we can be more honest and welcome compassion to those tender places. By acknowledging the excitement and the fear, this person may have the opportunity to be curious about what’s really going on deep down inside.
It’s okay to be excited and scared at the same time. This is not wrong or bad, it just is. Curiosity around these feelings and thoughts may bring some clarity into some old hurts of unworthiness. “But” is a word that can be linked to us not being good enough.
I’m curious, the next time you hear the word “but” come out of your mouth or someone else’s, will you wonder what’s really going on, what’s really happening for you or the other? I wonder what will happen if you pause, breathe and change the “but” to “and” or “and yet”.
Now that you’ve heard the difference, I hope you’ll start to feel the empowering effect of using “and” and noticing that you can hold space for both options.
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