A word I’ve become quite attached to recently is — intuition. It’s that feeling you get in your gut, like connecting to your inner compass — understanding something without having a rational reason to justify it.
When I’ve gone astray I’ve found myself asking: Where did I go wrong? Why did I listen to them? Why did I think that was a good idea? How do I fix this mess?
These are questions, among many that I have asked when I found myself stuck, doing something that didn’t feel right, saying “yes” when I really wanted to say “no”, or finding myself in unsafe situations.
Why didn’t I listen to my gut — feel into the situation intuitively? I believe much of my disconnection and distrust of my intuition was based on a long-held belief: that in order to be a good person I must be nice, sacrifice/martyr myself, put myself aside for others, and be selfless. I was driven by need to’s, have to’s, and should’s.
Guess what … this led to years of doubting my inner guide and produced a festering wound of bitterness, anger, and resentment that often led to me internally beating myself up. “You’re not good enough! You’re so selfish! You’re too judgmental! You expect too much! You’re ridiculous!” And on, and on and on.
By the time I hit my 40’s, that still small wise voice had become the size of a pinhead. It took therapy and attention to myself to finally lead me back into a relationship with my deep knowing and learning that it is trustworthy and knows what is best for me. I connected to my inner navigational system and found myself back on track.
It’s fascinating because I intuitively knew that attending to myself, validating and acknowledging who I am, rather than what I am, was going to be the road to recovery for me. And recovery it has been.
I was so disconnected and lost, and yet, there was this incredible inner pull that quietly and gently kept nudging me forward, baby step by baby step. And last summer on my birthday, I came “home”. It was a glorious day and one I will treasure for the rest of my life.
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