Staying Vulnerable Versus Armoring Up

I just watched the documentary by Jonah Hill, Stutz where he spends two years documenting his relationship with his psychiatrist Phil Stutz.

At one point Jonah and Phil talk about vulnerability and Phil responds,

“The thing is, if you wanna move forward … you can’t move forward without being vulnerable. And the reason is, everyone needs help in moving forward. Failure, weakness, vulnerability, is like a connector. It connects you to the rest of the world. Because, what you’re doing is, you’re giving out this signal to the world, ‘I need you because I can’t do it by myself.’”

This went straight to my heart, like an arrow of love and wonder.

All those times I was being honest and vulnerable, I was sharing my need for connection and growth. I was willing to risk being uncertain and uncomfortable with the outcome intuitively knowing that this expression of myself was necessary.

This is not to say that every time I shared vulnerability I was met with love and safety; in fact, there were many times that the receivers of my vulnerability were triggered by their own fears and shame. This often created a whole host of new messinesses.

And it has been during those times of trying to connect that I’ve been left feeling exposed, open, raw, and naked. This is deeply uncomfortable and my go to has been to get angry at “them” for not keeping me safe and also angry at myself for being so foolish to believe that “they” could or would.

And then I armor up – “Okay, that effing hurt. I won’t do that again.” Disconnect because it feels safer, even if I am stuck in my corner.

So how do we stay vulnerable without armoring back up?

I asked myself this:

“Am I willing to stay brave and present in the midst of all this discomfort feeling exposed and naked; so that I can learn and grow, or do I want to move into that cold dark corner all armored up and disconnected once more?”

“Do I want to get it right or move forward out of a heart of love?”

Honestly, some days I want to run away – F- them all!, some days I want to hide in that corner, some days I want to throw all kinds of blame onto “them”, and some days I stay in the discomfort and embrace my nakedness knowing that growing pains hurt and this is what connects me to humanity – and that’s my heart’s desire and I'm learning it’s worth the risk.